I'm looking for feedback on my rendition of W.B. Yeats' poem Who Goes with Fergus? (1893). Comments, corrections, emendations and suggestions are all welcome.
Here's the original poem:
Who will go drive with Fergus now,
And pierce the deep wood's woven shade,
And dance upon the level shore?
Young man, lift up your russet brow,
And lift your tender eyelids, maid,
And brood on hopes and fear no more.
And no more turn aside and brood
Upon love's bitter mystery;
For Fergus rules the brazen cars,
And rules the shadows of the wood,
And the white breast of the dim sea
And all dishevelled wandering stars.
And here's my translation:
Quisnam ibit, et cum Fergo impellet biiugos,
ut figat textam profundi nemoris umbram,
et plana per litora indulgeat choreis?
Ad lucem, o iuvenis, frontem fulvedine tinctam
attolle; tu quoque, virgo, tenues attolle palpebras:
nec amplius spebus metibusque incubetis.
Nec aversis vultibus amplius incubetis
amorum arcanis, occultis et amaris,
nam Fergus imperat curribus aeneis:
et imperat umbris nemoribus inclusis,
et pectoribus obscuri aequoris perlucidis,
et cunctis errantibus sine ordine astris.
My translation is in no proper meter, but I tried to maintain some rough rhythm in every line, which may explain some of the liberties I took with the original. You might know this poem from James Joyce’s Ulysses; it comes up a few times towards the beginning of the book.